


like a spike in my throat

by Akane21



Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Fluff and Angst, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Muteness, Past Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-25
Updated: 2019-12-25
Packaged: 2021-02-25 23:42:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,880
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21953854
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Akane21/pseuds/Akane21
Summary: Kakuzu still thinks he sees reproach on Hashirama’s stone face — and Hidan, it seems, doesn’t know when to back down.
Relationships: Hidan/Kakuzu (Naruto), Kakuzu/Senju Hashirama
Comments: 3
Kudos: 55





	like a spike in my throat

**Author's Note:**

> So it was kind of intended to be a bigger AU, but I’m a lazy writer, so it is what it is.
> 
> A few key points so no one is confused:  
> after fleeing Taki, Kakuzu ended up in Konoha (or, rather, was taken in by Hashirama);  
> at some point he and Hashirama got together;  
> then Hashirama died and everything kinda went downhill from there;  
> now to the present, Kushina survived during the attack of Kyuubi (but Minato didn’t);  
> she and Kakuzu are kind of friends but not really (more like, united by their grief or something);  
> Kakuzu is the sensei of team 7 (Naruto and Sakura kinda like him but Sasuke does not);  
> Hidan is not in the Akatsuki nor is he a missing-nin;  
> and he also has his own team of genin that he sucks at teaching, but it’s only briefly mentioned;  
> the Uchiha clan is alive and Sasuke didn’t leave Konoha (again, only briefly mentioned);  
> Hiruzen is alive after Orochimaru’s attack on Konoha because Sakura has amazing healing powers which can literally resurrect the dead (it would be an important plot point later on, but, yet again, is only mentioned here);  
> and there’s a happy ending.
> 
> and I guess that’s it.

“What’s on your mind?” Hashirama asks.

“Your face on this rock looks incredibly stupid. I’d think you’re compensating for something if I didn’t know for a fact that wasn’t true.”

Hashirama laughs quietly. “It wasn’t my idea.”

Kakuzu chuckles but instead of arguing further just looks at him. Hashirama’s expression is unusually serious—so contrasting with the stupidity of their dialogue just a moment ago.

“What is it?”

Hashirama hesitates; reaches out, touching his face lightly, brushes away his disheveled hair, and something in his face doesn’t let Kakuzu rush him or just change the topic.

“You don’t regret this?” he asks finally, quiet and just as serious.

Kakuzu shrugs.

At times, he does think about how his life would have been like if he’d managed—what a foolishly arrogant thought—to kill Hashirama back then. He’d have returned to Taki as a hero, would’ve never used the forbidden technique; and then there would have been another war. Perhaps, if it happened that way, he wouldn’t have dreamt of anything more than to die for his village on the battlefield.

But not now, not after Takigakure betrayed him.

It’s strange to think about, but there’s another reason. He looks at Hashirama—waiting for his answer calmly, at the first glance, but there’s concern in his eyes.

Unfounded, if he’s honest.

“I did, before,” Kakuzu grins a little. “I used to want to kill you. You’ve taken everything from me—perhaps I should blame the elders for assigning that mission to me, but if it weren’t for you, none of that would have happened. Everything I believed in, everything I fought for—it fell apart because of you. I used to hate you.”

Pain and understanding in Hashirama’s eyes make him feel sick, and Kakuzu would like to lie; but he could never lie to _him._

“But now... I don’t,” he finishes much more awkwardly than he intended.

He feels much more than he could ever convey with words.

But Hashirama seems to not need the words at all—he just nods and suddenly smiles, rushes to hold him in a tight embrace—something Kakuzu should have already gotten used to but what still takes him aback.

“I, too,” Hashirama whispers, “regret nothing.”

Hashirama is always there whenever Kakuzu needs him—and even though he doesn’t admit it, he’s grateful. And as time passes, he thinks less and less of what could have been; he wouldn’t trade Hashirama’s life for any amount of money and respect in his former village.

“You make me a better man,” he says once half-jokingly, watching Hashirama sign some papers. He chokes on air upon hearing it and coughs, trying to catch his breath; unwittingly, Kakuzu feels his lips form into a smirk.

“Ah,” Hashirama finally manages to breathe in, shakes his head and looks at Kakuzu. “Is that so?” He’s smiling, and there’s such warmth in his eyes.

Kakuzu rarely ever says this sort of thing, but now—he just couldn’t help it. “Yes.” He leans back in his seat and closes his eyes, feeling a little too awkward to continue the conversation. Hashirama laughs quietly, and then Kakuzu feels his hand cover his.

He doesn’t say anything, and it’s good; the touch is more than enough.

Somehow, Kakuzu finds himself adopting that tenderness from Hashirama. It feels strange and slightly awkward, but also right in a way, when he leaves light kisses on Hashirama’s face in the morning or occasionally brushes his hand against his.

He likes the fact that he doesn’t need words with Hashirama—he seems to read everything in his eyes, and it’s good. Kakuzu never was good at expressing his feelings.

It’s much easier—and better—to simply hold him, entwine his fingers in his long hair, kiss his shoulder. Hashirama likes that, too—light touches with no hidden meaning, such simple intimacy.

At that time, Kakuzu doesn’t even think that it may not last long.

***

Kakuzu touches the necklace, squeezes it in his fingers unconsciously. The memories come again—they’ve never left—and he feels nothing but bitterness.

He’s clinging to the old memories, having nothing left anymore; and deep inside, he realizes how pathetic that is.

Kakuzu wants to look at the stone faces of the Hokage once again but instead closes his eyes. This wouldn’t make it better; it never does. It’s only another reminder that Hashirama is gone.

He feels a familiar presence right away but doesn’t acknowledge it, hoping that his visitor will just leave—or that he didn’t come here seeking him in the first place.

But that would be too good.

“Hey.”

Kakuzu turns his head reluctantly; he’s not in the mood for talking, but Hidan is relentless, almost admirably so.

 _What do you want?_ he signs. As always, it takes Hidan a couple moments to understand.

Then he smiles and sits down on the ground across Kakuzu. “Just thought you might want company. You look kinda lonely, sitting here all day.”

Kakuzu shrugs. He doesn’t really have anything to say about that.

Hidan’s presence isn’t as annoying as before; perhaps he’s gotten used to him somewhat. If he just sits here, it’s fine; but it seems like he’s awfully set on getting Kakuzu to participate in the conversation.

“So, what’s the matter?” Hidan leans forward, his hands on his knees. “Don’t you have anything better to do? It’s not a particularly nice view.”

Kakuzu doesn’t even bother to make a response. Hidan sighs heavily, looking disappointed.

“Well,” he shifts a little, bites his lip, as if searching for words. “I wanted to ask something. That okay?”

Kakuzu thinks for a while and then nods. Whatever questions Hidan will come up with, they won’t make it worse.

“Progress!” Hidan smiles eagerly. “So... how do you get on with your kids? I see they like you and stuff. My brats seem to just be afraid of me.”

 _No wonder._ Kakuzu frowns, thinking of the best way to put it. He’s not that sure himself—he wasn’t thrilled with having to teach young genin but had to adapt. He can’t say it was exactly easy.

 _Patience,_ he signs finally. _Respect._

“Is that it?” Hidan seems even more disappointed. “I am patient. I’d kill them if I weren’t. They’re dumb, they don’t wanna learn.”

Kakuzu stifles a sigh.

_Do you teach them?_

“I... they... what?” Hidan tilts his head to the side. “Ugh. You mean... if I actually try to teach them something?”

Kakuzu nods, feeling frustrated to no end.

Their communication is always like this—Hidan barely understands sign language, even though now he’s slightly better at it than when they first met.

It complicates things—and makes his flaw even more apparent.

“I do,” for some reason, Hidan doesn’t sound convinced. “Well, like... basic stuff. Chakra control, replacement jutsu, genjutsu breaking and all that. I suck at those cool techniques,” there’s actual childish resentment in his look now.

 _I haven’t seen you using elemental techniques._ Kakuzu tries to sign as slowly as possible.

Hidan stares at him blankly.

Pointless.

 _Not—see,_ he attempts again.

“Ah, yeah, right, you wouldn’t see me using those cause I can’t,” Hidan huffs. “And... Guess I can’t teach the brats anything useful?”

Kakuzu shrugs.

It’s not always about the ‘cool techniques’; quite on the contrary. Take Maito Guy, for example, who doesn’t use ninjutsu and still can hold his own in a fight more than well. Kakuzu himself doesn’t rely on his jutsus all the time.

And, honestly, no one would expect _kids_ to be able to use really powerful techniques.

Unless these kids are Uchiha and Uzumaki... but lucky for Hidan, it’s not his case.

 _Basics are enough,_ Kakuzu signs.

“Enough?” Hidan asks. After receiving a nod, he sighs. “I don’t know. I kinda feel like it’s just not my thing, y’know? I ain’t a teacher, ‘specially not a good one. Well, I’ll give them the basics. What then? Like, sure, Seiko knows some of her clan’s water jutsu, and others will maybe manage somehow... Fuck, what am I talking about, only Seiko managed to get to the final stage of the chūnin exams... and then that guy fucking wiped the floor with her.” He presses his lips together. “I suppose I just suck. No wonder they hate me.”

Kakuzu can’t tell if he’s asking for a reassurance or is genuinely concerned about his students. It somewhat seems like the latter; or maybe he just has too much faith in Hidan.

He still does try to reassure; _you’re simply not used to it. I struggled, too._

 _I still struggle_ is what he doesn’t say.

“Yeah, maybe...” Hidan mutters but relaxes a little. “Thanks.”

Kakuzu nods.

He’s slightly surprised, he must admit. He’d never think Hidan would come to him for an advice in teaching—to be honest, he’s the worst person to seek such an advice from.

He never wanted to become anyone’s sensei, but the Third left him with no choice. An awful, poorly thought decision; but who is Kakuzu to question the Hokage himself.

He suppresses a bitter grin; they always know better, don’t they?

And then he found out that it was Kushina who wanted him to teach Naruto; and he at least owed her that much.

“Can I watch your training sometime?” Hidan asks suddenly, interrupting his thoughts. “From what I’ve seen, you’re real great in a fight. Teamwork and stuff.” Seeing his hesitation, he quickly adds with a grin, “Promise I won’t steal any secret tricks!”

Kakuzu thinks for a while but then decides—whatever. There are no ‘secret tricks’ anyway; and Hidan—or, well, Yugakure in general—is an ally. Hidan specifically has proven it quite a few times already.

He simply nods.

Hidan’s face lights up. “Hey, thanks. I knew you weren’t such an asshole you wanna seem.”

Kakuzu huffs but doesn’t dignify this with any kind of response.

For some reason, Hidan doesn’t hurry to leave. He only shifts a little closer to Kakuzu, deliberately avoiding eye contact. Well, whatever. It’s not exactly comfortable, but his presence doesn’t bother him all that much—Kakuzu thinks he’s simply accepted the fact that Hidan isn’t going to leave him alone.

They sit in silence; for once, Hidan isn’t trying to fill it with pointless chatter.

Kakuzu turns away from him, instead looking up at the stone faces; one particular face.

Yet again, he thinks he sees reproach in Hashirama’s expression, and though in reality his face shows nothing, he can’t shake this feeling away.

Hashirama probably would have wanted him to be... happy. Thinking about it is strange. He doesn’t feel _happy,_ but he does feel strangely content; like he hasn’t felt in what seems like ages.

And he can’t say if it’s because of Hidan in particular or just everything that’s happened lately.

Hidan’s hand finds his, holding it with unexpected caution, and Kakuzu flinches instinctively—such close contact is unwonted. He isn’t sure how to react—for some reason, simply shoving him off seems wrong now.

He closes his eyes, allowing himself a moment—Hidan’s hand is warm and firm, so much like Hashirama’s. Yet he’s not Hashirama.

Hashirama is long, long dead.

Kakuzu opens his eyes and looks at Hidan. He’s watching him expectantly, and, well, even if Kakuzu could say something, he wouldn’t know what.

“So?” Hidan asks, a little uncertain.

How does he even expect him to react?

Clenching his free hand into a fist, Kakuzu lightly touches his forehead and points at Hidan. _Idiot._ There’s nothing more he can think of. He only lightly squeezes Hidan’s hand back before letting go.

Hidan looks away, biting his lip. He seems... disappointed or upset, it’s hard to tell. And all Kakuzu can do is shrug—there’s nothing he could possibly say.

Giving Hidan hope feels wrong, but Kakuzu has trouble understanding his own feelings. Saying that he _likes_ Hidan would not be quite true; but he does _care_ about him.

It’s just too soon for anything more.

***

He wants to scream but can’t, as though there’s a spike in his throat; it hurts, he tries to make some sound, but only ragged breaths leave his mouth.

_Hashi_

He scratches his throat, grabs Hashirama’s hand, his shoulders—shakes him to no avail, and everything blurs before his vision except Hashirama’s face, so pale, so wrong, so...

Dead.

He thinks he feels someone touch his shoulder—but shakes their hand off, pulls Hashirama closer and holds him tight—he hears no heartbeat, nothing, and his hands are shivering madly.

_Hashi—_

There’s a strange noise in his head, muffling all the other sounds, and he desperately tries to feel Hashirama’s pulse, he’s still alive, must be; but there’s nothing, and Hashirama doesn’t move, doesn’t open his eyes, doesn’t—

He thinks he screams, but in reality, he makes no sound.

Kakuzu opens his eyes.

The scream dies in his throat, no more than a hoarse rasp.

Hashirama isn’t— _wasn’t—_ immortal.

His end would have come eventually.

But Kakuzu had never imagined it happening like this.

Even after all these years he still thinks about what he could have done. If he had been there with Hashirama, would he be able to turn the fight in their favor, not let him die?

Stifling a sigh, Kakuzu covers his face with his hands. No one can see him now—he doesn’t need to be concerned about appearing weak.

It happened so soon. Just in a moment, the battlefield seemed to freeze in time—and someone shouted, ‘the Hokage is dead!’.

They didn’t even know _who_ managed to strike the killing blow.

It’s still dark outside when Kakuzu steps out of the door. Staying in this empty house right now seems almost like a torture.

Kushina’s smile is sad and a little distraught as she runs her fingers along the tombstone.

“I’d want Minato to be proud of our son.”

 _He would be,_ Kakuzu signs even though she isn’t facing him.

Truly, Naruto is a promising shinobi for his young age. Despite his recklessness, he’s got determination and strength—and one day, perhaps, he’ll make a fine Hokage as well, just like he always claims.

They often meet here, at the graveyard. Not every day—sometimes they have missions, sometimes they just don’t feel like reopening old wounds. But still over the years it’s become a sort of tradition of theirs.

Not a very pleasant one; but they still haven’t fully let go of the past.

Of the people they loved.

“I still miss him,” Kushina says quietly and then turns to Kakuzu. Her eyes are dry, but still full of sorrow. “The pain goes away in time, right?”

She looks at Kakuzu as though he has the answer she so desperately needs.

He could nod and lie, but instead he replies, _You learn to live with it._

“Easier said than done, yes?” she smiles again, still sad but slightly more light-hearted. “How are you?”

The question takes him aback but isn’t all that unexpected, considering how little time has passed since the attack on the village—and everything else.

Orochimaru.

Kakuzu feels cold rage rise inside him at just the thought of this man—and the still vibrant image of Hashirama and Tobirama’s _corpses_ moving and fighting at the whim of that _snake._

No one could defile their memory in such a despicable way.

 _Fine,_ he signs. Which is an obvious lie, but Kushina doesn’t push it.

“I can’t imagine what it’d be like, seeing Minato again... knowing he’s dead and it’s nothing more than someone’s wicked mind using him,” Kushina stops abruptly and exhales. “Orochimaru... will pay for what he’s done.”

He will. Kakuzu will tear out his heart with his bare hands next time they cross paths.

Kushina’s reassuring touch hardly makes anything better.

“Sensei!” Naruto exclaims immediately upon noticing him. It’s still somewhat surprising to Kakuzu that anyone could actually be glad to see him; but, well, it’s probably what you should expect when you watch over someone since their childhood.

They’re not friends by any means, too big of a difference in age and experience between them; but Naruto sees Kakuzu as some sort of mentoring figure, which is... fine, he supposes.

“Kakuzu-sensei, Hidan,” Sakura gives them a calmer, but still genuine smile.

“Hidan? What are you doing here?” Naruto seems to finally notice him.

“Nothing much, just came to watch you train.”

Naruto gives him one of his brightest smiles. “Then prepare to be impressed, dattebayo!” Then he turns to Kakuzu, mischievous glint in his eyes. “You’re gonna show me that wind technique, right, sensei?”

Of course, he wouldn’t miss the chance to make a great impression. But—not this time.

_It’s too complicated for you. Choose something else._

Perhaps, Naruto with his determination—and enormous chakra reserves thanks to the bijū—would be able to learn some of the more difficult techniques, but Kakuzu prefers not to rush things.

“But you promised!” Naruto immediately exclaims, looking resentful.

 _I promised to teach you that technique **someday**. Not today, _Kakuzu holds back a smirk. _Watch my words._

Naruto pouts but doesn’t argue, knowing that it’s pointless.

Meanwhile, Hidan looks around the training grounds and wonders casually, “Where’s the Uchiha brat, by the way?”

“This idiot ditched us again,” Naruto says, annoyed. Yes, Sasuke’s unwillingness to be a part of the team made him mad.

“Sasuke-kun prefers training with his brother most of the time,” Sakura replies. “Well, unless we need to work on something specific as a team, that is.”

“Oh, so you’re not as perfect as I thought,” Hidan grins.

Kakuzu shrugs.

His relationship with young Uchiha hasn’t been exactly good from the very beginning. To be fair, Kakuzu understood his displeasure—for the first month or so they had to communicate exclusively through Naruto: no one taught the sign language in the Academy. And Kakuzu’s apparent dislike towards his students he’s been forced to teach didn’t make things easier.

Naruto, again, was the one salvaging the situation somehow. And Sakura turned out to be a capable student—and even a promising kunoichi, reminding him of Tsunade somewhat.

And the mission in the Land of Waves, along with the first—for the kids—real danger has brought them closer together in a sense.

With Sasuke being the exception.

It wasn’t that they _hated_ each other, but there was no trust between them; and Sasuke also kept distancing himself from his teammates, stubbornly rejecting Naruto’s attempts to befriend him.

Though it’s been like that since these two were little children, and if Kakuzu knew Naruto at all, Sasuke wouldn’t escape the fate to become his best friend.

 _Just don’t get in the way,_ he signs to Hidan; receiving only a snort in return.

Kakuzu didn’t think Hidan would actually get anything useful out of this, but he yet again manages to surprise him.

“I think I get it,” Hidan says thoughtfully after it’s over. “It’s not really about the training. It’s about bonding.”

And it’s interesting he managed to pick that up from just a quick session of practicing moves and techniques.

“Yeah, something like this,” Naruto replies eagerly. Kakuzu doesn’t interrupt, thankful that for once he doesn’t have to participate in the pitiful parody of a conversation. “You need to trust your teammates to work well together, ‘ttebayo! That’s what sensei said.”

“Oh, really,” Hidan casts a quick glance at Kakuzu—he pretends to not notice that. “I can’t imagine Kakuzu ever using such grand words.”

“It’s a rough translation!” Naruto says with the same eagerness. “He actually said it in a shorter form. And then we almost got killed on our very first serious mission, so yeah.”

“Sounds like a fun story,” Hidan livens up. “Tell me more, kid!”

Finally, he’s going to bother somebody else.

While these two seem to be engaged in the conversation, Sakura sits on the ground quite far from them. She looks normal, if a little tired, on the first glance; but Kakuzu still walks up to her just to make sure.

 _Everything alright?_ He signs to her, and Sakura nods quickly.

“Just a little overwhelmed. You know, after...” she doesn’t finish, pulling up her gloves a little nervously.

They don’t hide two symmetrical black stripes, one on each wrist—markings of something no one really understands. Somehow she managed to save Hiruzen when he was on the verge of certain death; and somehow, she managed to save Kakuzu in a similar situation.

Kakuzu knew little to nothing about this strange power of hers, but he was sure it wasn’t without its price. If she brought someone back to life, she had to have given something in return.

He didn’t ask but suspected Sakura knew that, too.

He puts a hand on her shoulder in an attempt to reassure; and she suddenly smiles at him.

“I’m okay, sensei,” she says. “Maybe I’m not the strongest shinobi, but I can still help my friends. I’m not useless.”

Far from that, Kakuzu would say. Sakura is a surprisingly good tactician—even though she couldn’t compete with Nara—and she’s definitely a vital asset to the team.

But she needs more than what he can teach her.

 _We need to get Tsunade to train you,_ Kakuzu signs. _She’s the best healer you’ll find._

And perhaps she will know more of this strange... technique Sakura has somehow mastered.

“Who’s ‘little hime’?” Sakura wonders, somewhat confused. “I imagine you don’t mean Hanabi-chan? She’s definitely not a healer...”

Kakuzu lets out a tired sigh and starts slowly signing the actual name.

This old nickname he once gave to Tsunade and has since grown accustomed to using, awakens bittersweet memories.

Sakura’s eyes widen in awe.

“Senju Tsunade-sama? First Hokage’s granddaughter? One of the three legendary Sannin?” she asks hastily, and Kakuzu nods. “That’s... amazing! I’d never think that... Oh, why do you call her little hime, though?”

_I’ve always called her that._

“Oh, you’ve known each other for a while, I guess,” Sakura nods. “I tend to forget you’re so old, sensei,” and she giggles.

Kakuzu presses a hand to his face, a gesture which isn’t hard to understand.

_Just don’t ever call **her** old._

Sakura nods again and smiles—wide and bright this time.

“Look!” With a happy grin, Hidan almost shoves a familiar book into his face. “Sakura-chan is such a sweetheart, she gave me this book. Now I will finally be able to understand you.”

 _Glad to see you doing something useful,_ Kakuzu signs, feeling the corner of his mouth twitch up slightly.

“Hey, not so fast!” Hidan says. “I haven’t even opened it yet!”

Kakuzu shrugs but repeats each gesture as slow as possible. Maybe he’ll learn at least something.

“Yeah, it’s very useful,” Hidan agrees. “Just bear with me for a while, I’m a quick learner when I’m motivated!”

 _Didn’t doubt that._ Kakuzu can’t hold back a slightly sarcastic grin.

“No one ever believes me. Honestly, I’m hurt,” Hidan chuckles.

_You wanted anything in particular?_

Kakuzu doesn’t think Hidan just wants to spend time with him for the sake of it.

“Mhm, kinda. You know I have to go back to Yugakure in a couple weeks,” Hidan says casually but eyes him in a weird way.

Well, Kakuzu already knew that much. Though at times it almost seemed like Hidan was fully intent on staying in Konoha forever.

“What, you aren’t even gonna miss me?”

Kakuzu thinks for a while and finally decides on a _maybe._ Hidan snorts for some reason, clearly fighting back a full-on laughter.

“It just looked funny,” he explains when Kakuzu gives him a confused look.

To him, there’s nothing funny in a simple gesture; but it’s Hidan, so what did he honestly expect.

Will he miss him? Probably; but he’ll deal with it just like with everything else.

Their conversation goes nowhere again.

Hidan stares into the distance, smiling, looking so calm and strangely attractive. Not that Kakuzu is ever going to bring that up, but he thinks that it suits Hidan more when his hair isn’t slicked back; it makes him look more... lively.

When had he last acknowledge another person’s good looks?

Kakuzu realizes he’s been staring at Hidan for quite a while when he meets his gaze. And to fight off the awkwardness of the situation, he quickly signs:

_Don’t you have anything better to do?_

His hands are a little too tense.

Hidan frowns a bit, seemingly trying to decipher what he just said. “Mm... Let’s pretend I got it. If you wonder why I don’t do something more fun, then, well, I kinda like annoying you.”

_Go annoy someone else, for once._

Hidan most likely still doesn’t understand the signs, but Kakuzu’s expression must be quite telling.

Kakuzu is well aware that he’s pushing him away; but it comes as more like a habit than anything else.

“Do you really want me to fuck off?” Hidan asks. “I will, like, if I really do piss you off this much. I just thought you kinda had fun too.”

Kakuzu almost raises his hand to begin a gesture but stops himself. Something in the unusual seriousness of Hidan’s expression tells him there won’t be any going back if he does.

And even though he can’t speak anymore, he’s learned to watch what he says; because once, long ago, he had said too many things he regrets to this day.

He shakes his head.

“Great, then,” Hidan smiles, reverting to his usual laidback attitude. “So you don’t hate me after all.”

_I don’t. I’m not used to being close to people._

Not anymore.

Most of the people he considered his family were long dead. Tobirama didn’t outlive his brother by long; Mito... the pain of their mutual loss was supposed to bring them closer but instead only distanced them from each other.  
There was Tsunade, but she has left the village years ago—their rare meetings were usually accidental. And honestly, her possible return to Konoha made him more uneasy than glad.  
Hiruzen and him were never exactly close.

He was on his own and quite fine with that. He kept existing for no actual reason other than protecting what Hashirama had built.

Perhaps only Kushina and Naruto gave him a semblance of a new meaning in life.

And now, there was Hidan. Barging into his life as if into his own home, annoying to no end, and yet somehow this wasn’t unwelcome.

“You mean, you haven’t just talked normally to anyone in a while?” Hidan interprets in his own way, though mostly right.

Kakuzu nods.

“Yeah, I get it,” he chuckles. “Okay, I’m not offended or anything.”

He says it as though Kakuzu really cares. He might—or he might not.

After all these years, it’s unusual to feel anything aside from dull pain and anger. And it’s hard to understand _what_ _exactly_ he’s feeling.

 _What do you need?_ Kakuzu asks.

For some reason, Hidan again can’t explain it normally.

“Well... I don’t know,” he laughs awkwardly, runs a hand through his hair. “But you get it anyway, no?” another laugh; he tries not to meet his gaze.

Kakuzu gets it—but keeps pretending he does not.

It’s not about Hidan—or not just him.

Hashirama is dead, but Kakuzu still thinks that he’s betraying his memory even considering something like this.

The only slightly comforting fact is that Hidan doesn’t ask for anything. He’s just... there.

And it’s probably good.

“Kushina-san, lookin’ fabulous as always!” Hidan smirks at her, throwing an arm around Kakuzu’s shoulders. “Hope I’m not interrupting anything.”

“Not at all,” Kushina is not only _looking fabulous,_ but friendly and welcoming as always.

At first, Kakuzu contemplates pushing Hidan away; but he lets go himself, and it’s surprisingly easy to blame it on him just having no concept of personal space.

“Will you show me your ritual, Hidan?” Naruto asks eagerly. “It sounded fucking impressive when you talked about it, ’ttebayo— Ow!” He winces when Kakuzu ruffles his hair quite roughly. “Sensei!”

 _Language,_ Kakuzu signs nonchalantly.

He’s having enough of it with Hidan—there’s no need for Naruto to adopt his bad habits as well.

“Now, don’t be too harsh with my boy,” Kushina wraps her arm around Naruto’s shoulders protectively, but her eyes are laughing. “Even though he really shouldn’t swear... and you will not show him anything dangerous, right, Hidan-san?”

There’s a slightly threatening undertone in her voice, and Hidan swallows hard, shakes his head. Kakuzu almost feels like smiling—well, he definitely shouldn’t underestimate her.

“Anyway, I can’t show you the ritual when there’s no one to kill,” Hidan chuckles. “If we ever have a mission together though, you’re welcome to watch and take notes, brat.”

Naruto seems conflicted and intrigued at the same time. He’s a shinobi, but he’s also a child; and as far as Kakuzu knows, the idea of murder doesn’t really appeal to him.

Hidan probably catches the change of his mood, because instead of pursuing the topic further, he laughs and says, “Or, well, grow up at first.”

“I’m not a kid, ‘ttebayo!” Naruto immediately flares up—and the tension, however small, seems to fade.

Kakuzu thinks vaguely that he perhaps should question Hidan more on his religion sometime; he’s not one to judge others’ beliefs even when he considers them stupid, but it seems doubtful that there is an actual god handing immortality to his followers.

Most likely it’s another twisted experiment performed by the likes of Orochimaru; he grits his teeth, remembering him.

His thoughts wander to that day once more; when he saw Hashirama, standing before him just like all those years ago—but there was nothing of Hashirama in that empty shell aside from appearance.

And Orochimaru, so certain in his imminent victory, was smirking derisively, as if watching them fight against people so dear to them was so much _fun_ for him.

At least he didn’t get what he wanted.

But he also didn’t get what he _deserved._

“Hey, you alright? You look weird,” Hidan’s voice brings him back to the reality.

Kakuzu takes a deep slow breath, signs quickly, _fine,_ and looks away, not wanting to explain anything.

Perhaps he’s better off not knowing the secret of ‘Jashin’.

“Really?” Hidan still doesn’t relent.

“Come on, Hidan-san, leave him alone,” at the very least, Kushina understands; though understanding has always been one of her most admirable qualities.

Still, Kakuzu doesn’t feel it in him to continue the conversation and leaves quite abruptly.

Surprisingly enough, Hidan doesn’t follow.

And this, more than any words of comfort could have, shows Kakuzu that he _understands_ , too.

It goes on for these remaining days. Hidan keeps finding him to talk about some meaningless things; keeps coming to their trainings, embarrassing Sakura and seeming awfully set on converting Naruto in his religion—or at least teaching him as many colorful expressions as he possibly can.

He keeps making Kakuzu doubt.

Somehow, the thought of Hidan disappearing from his life—with all these meaningless conversations, brief, almost accidental touches, genuine smiles—seems so unwanted.

Frightening.

Hidan keeps waiting, not asking for anything, but Kakuzu doesn’t know for how long his patience and selflessness will last.

And so the only thing he can do is give him an answer.

Though it’s harder than he’d imagine.

He’s never said anything like this. Even _thinking_ it feels weird. Hidan’s looking at him expectantly, and for a moment Kakuzu wants to back down.

It’s not worth it.

He’s not even sure.

Even Hashirama never heard anything like this from him. Well, Hidan won’t _hear_ it. Not that it matters.

“Hey, what is it?” Patience definitely isn’t one of Hidan’s virtues. “You dragged me all the way here just to stare at me? I know I’m damn amazing, but—”

Kakuzu presses his gloved hand to Hidan’s mouth, silencing him—and lingers maybe for a second too long.

The look in Hidan’s eyes changes, and Kakuzu can’t quite comprehend it.

Sighing, he removes his hand and tries to think of the best way to express what he wants to say. Even though Hidan did bother to learn a few basic signs, they are just that—basic, and it won’t be enough.

Kakuzu looks at the Hokage Rock behind Hidan’s back; Hashirama’s emotionless stone face brings back the almost faded memory of them standing at the same place, staring at each other silently.

He’s not certain if bringing Hidan here means betraying Hashirama; after all, it’s been decades since his death, and no one would expect Kakuzu to mourn him forever.

Hidan seems to have caught his mood as he says nothing, waiting instead for him to ‘speak’.

And there’s no word Kakuzu can think of; but there’s a thought which is foolish and insolent but also right in a way.

Not taking his eyes off Hidan, he reaches for the necklace, hesitating for a moment before removing it from his neck. He squeezes it tightly in his hand for a few more seconds before holding it out to Hidan.

‘You don’t give this kind of thing to just anyone,’ Hashirama had said back then, smiling warmly. ‘I want you to know that it’s not a meaningless gesture. You are important to me—perhaps more than anyone in the whole world.’

Will Hidan understand it? Kakuzu doesn’t know, but he hopes for it as Hidan takes the necklace a bit uncertainly.

“What’s... that for?” he asks, studying it, his eyes narrowed.

Kakuzu reaches out, taking Hidan’s pale hands into his own—he wishes he could repeat those words, but he can’t.

“Is that some kind of very important thing to you?” Hidan asks quietly, and Kakuzu nods. “Why are you giving it to me, then?”

_Because you’re important to me._

The only sound escaping his mouth is something like a quiet and hoarse groan, and he bites his lip, frowning tensely as Hidan’s expression shifts to a sympathetic one.

No. That’s not how he wants Hidan to look at him.

“...Fuck,” Hidan says. “Okay, maybe write it and I’ll read it? Not as romantic, but much easier.”

And it’s a surprisingly decent idea, but Kakuzu thinks about something different.

It’s more of an impulse, actually, when he leans closer, pressing his lips to Hidan’s. The kiss is short but feels warm and so right, even though Hidan doesn’t really respond, as if he’s too taken aback for it.

As Kakuzu pulls away, Hidan stares at him with wide eyes—but there’s no aversion in his look. He seems surprised, but also... happy.

Even pleased when his lips twist into a playful smirk, and Kakuzu finds himself almost smiling back.

“Romantic _and_ easy. Why hadn’t _I_ thought of that?” Hidan laughs. “I got it, okay.” He looks down at their hands, still intertwined, and then returns his gaze to Kakuzu. “So... you sure you want me to have the necklace?”

Kakuzu wants to roll his eyes at that— _was this not proof enough for you—_ but he thinks he understands Hidan’s concerns, so he just nods.

“Think it’ll look good on me?” Hidan winks at him, and he’s just so... _Hidan;_ Kakuzu can’t resist kissing him one more time.

It’s not about looks, but Hidan knows it.

And...

It probably _will_ look good on him.


End file.
